Community
A common topic within my conversations lately has been community. Bringing me to question how it's formed, what it means, and as to when most of us realized we were without it.
From the beginning, we have been building what some call “pods” of people that bring us together. Uplift, ground, move, and shake us. Not the ones in passing, the “hey! good to see you... *cheek pec*... walk awayers”, but the ones that dig deeper in your connection. We should start there, are these types of connections truly community? Yes I know, from even my own experiences that these sweaty patio humans have become some of my dearest friends, lovers, rocks. But what happens when we grow older? When the necessity of protection and guidance is left up to us?
These questions circulate primarily within the queer spaces I attend. Whether it be a queer bar, a friend's house, or a conversation with a fellow trans person, I seem to constantly be reminded of community. Where do I find my sense of community in times of isolation, or in times where I am made to feel othered?
I started transitioning around August 2022. My sense of community was challenged and my need for a deeper and more uplifting community grew. I felt isolated, alone, “othered”. Which I came to realize is a common experience for trans people. Examples of this can look like stares from strangers, micro aggressions, or passiveness. Many times, this is a lucky result of the trans experience, but there are instances of extreme abuse, death, harassment.
A clearer example is from a conversation with one of my girlfriends I had a couple of weeks ago. One of our mutuals girlfriends (a trans woman to be clear) was messaging a man on a dating app. One thing leads to another, and addresses are shared. As the conversation goes on the man inflicts death threats, and threatens to come to her home unannounced, unwelcomed. Not only was this a threat to her directly but a threat to us trans women. To the community at large.
I have come to learn that this commonality is based on the system we have built. Built for the purpose of sustaining a reproductive and “cis het” normativity. When this system is challenged, I have noticed there to be push back. Especially when it comes to the communities that challenge this normativity.
One person that always comes to mind in these conversations is my friend Logan. We have spent countless nights talking about our experiences and what they mean to us in finding community. I decided to have a more formal conversation with them and hear what they have to say:
Question: What does community mean to you and where do you find this?
Answer: “Community to me is trust and vulnerability. When I see someone talking about their own experience and the isolation that comes from years of finding identity and being met with harassment or being “othered” it creates an inherent bond between queer people. With me and
my trans friends there is an inherently deep trust within these communities from our shared experience in being othered.”
Question: How is this sense of community necessary to you and what is community doing to society as a whole?
Answer: “Finding community impacts me in every aspect of my life. Having a stable and persistent community makes me want to take care of myself, reach my goals, and stay alive. I think one of the biggest necessities within the community is its access. Being able to have access,
in many ways, is suicide prevention, especially with what is happening with our state houses. Having our healthcare as trans people be challenged and thrown out a window is threatening.”
Question: What do you think having accessible community does for other trans people?
Answer: “Finding community/having it accessible helps queer people think about their own lives. You think you lose opportunities by being queer (higher education, creating a family, a stable job) due to the fear of stigma, but by having community there are ways to get rid of this fear. You learn it's not your fault and it takes away the shame and systems of violence that make us feel isolated and in fear. By seeing bills be introduced to end healthcare for trans people, ban drag in certain states, etc. it makes it more difficult to find community. I honestly believe it’s a sense of radicalism to have communities be so tight nit. Whether these communities have a certain motive or not, we embark change and show the system that we are here to stay.”
Finding a sense of community and having it accessible is the forefront of radical change. Where although we may think that a simple large pizza and beers with loved ones is nothing to embark change, it can make an impact on lives outside of the people we know.
When I talk to fellow queer people the conversations usually have a mention of chosen family. Cole Milton makes a good mention of this. He says, “chosen families are defined by the strength of the connection people feel to each other... It’s different from a group of acquaintances, or even really good friends. It’s something deeper”.
It truly is something deeper. It’s the understanding that we have with each other. The shared experiences that make us rely on and care for each other. I will leave you with this. After reading this ask yourself a couple of things: Who is a part of my chosen family/community? How are we inflicting change or in some cases how are we inflicting harm to others? What impact do we all have within the system? and finally, “How can a large pizza and beers turn into radical change of the system?
Keywords: system, community, chosen family, trans, queer, change, accessibility
Video by @Fento Films